Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The sacred art of listening – nourishing loving relationships

_celestial_

To listen is to lean in softly
With a willingness to be changed
By what we hear
-Mark Nepo


What happens when there’s a listening presence? When we’re fully in that listening presence, when there’s that pure quality of receptivity, we become presence itself. And whether you call that God or pure awareness or our true nature, the boundary of inner and outer dissolves and we become a luminous field of awakeness. When we’re in that open presence we can really respond to the life that’s here. We fall in love.

This state of listening is the precursor or the prerequisite to loving relatedness. The more you understand the state of listening– of being able to have the sounds of rain wash through you, of receiving the sound and tone of another’s voice– the more you know about nurturing a loving relationship.

In a way it’s an extremely vulnerable position. As soon as you stop planning what you’re going to say or managing what the other person’s saying, all of a sudden, there’s no control. You’re open to your own sadness, your own anger and discomfort. Listening means putting down control. It’s not a small thing to do.

We spend most of our moments when someone is speaking, planning what we’re going to say, evaluating it, trying to come up with our presentation of our self, or controlling the situation.
Pure listening is a letting go of control. It’s not easy and takes training. And yet it’s only when we can let go of that controlling that we open up to the real purity of loving. We can’t see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There’s no space for that person to just unfold and be who they are. Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an expression of love.

The bottom line is when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we’re not listened to, we feel separate. So whether it’s the communicating between different tribes or religions, ethnicities, racial groups or different generations, we need to listen. The more we understand, the less we fear; the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.

Isn’t it true to that to get to know the beauty and majesty of a tree
You have to be quiet and rest in the shade of the tree?
Don’t you have to stand under the tree?
To understand anyone, you need to stand under them for a little while
What does that mean?
Its mean you have to listen to them and be quiet and take in who they are
As if from under, as if from inside out.


tara-brach 
 by  Tara Brach
Adapted from her book Radical Acceptance (2003)

Delight, Discover, Dare: The Alphabet of Happiness -- 'D'

Happiness comes in many forms. The more we reflect on happiness, the more we will notice it in day-to-day life. The more focusing on happiness becomes a daily habit, the faster we train our neural pathways to make happiness our default setting. Sound good? Here are three ways to increase your happiness now, all starting with the letter D.
Delight
Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You deserve delight. -- Hannan Arendt
The potential for delight is everywhere. Just as a beautiful landscape delights the eye, and songs universally delight the ear, you are wired to be delighted by the awesomeness of life. The sublime beauty of nature exists all around you -- all you have to do is notice, appreciate and take it in. By making the time to savor an experience or a moment of connection, you will delight in the joy of being alive. This is not something external. From infancy onwards, (just watch a baby laughing) we are born with the innate capacity to be delighted. Delight is also not a cerebral concept. It's an undeniable feeling that washes over you, through you and lights you up from your very core. From the quiet feeling of profound communion to the high-intensity of a peak experience, delight shows up in many ways. Whether you are immersing yourself in the rhythms of dance, the thrill of savoring a sunset, the ultimate chocolate creation, or the way someone else is mirroring your own magnificence, allow yourself to delight in the feeling of delight. You are connecting with the potential for full-out joy that is your birthright. What has surprised and delighted you?
Dare
"Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it." -- Goethe
Have you ever had an amazing idea come to you in the shower, in dreams or at seemingly random moments... and then proceed to start doubting yourself that it was possible? If you are open to it, inspiration shows up; the real question is "Do you dare to act on it?" I love the quote by Mark Twain: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
What if you got yourself out of the way and trusted that the inspiration has come to you for a reason? What if you gave yourself permission to explore it? Not in a "This is not realistic" approach, but in the "Imagine what it would feel like if..." way. Then, what if you dared to take the first step in realizing it? By having the courage to make the first move, you are officially in the game, and that brings a higher level of attunement, engagement and openness to all the wonder that can come your way. The idea that the Berlin Wall could fall was inconceivable and ridiculously bold for a long time... but it happened. By daring to dream in and act on an inspiration, you open yourself up to what life wants to bring forth. As you take one small step and then another, you may be surprised to notice that the universe is conspiring to help you in unexpected ways. Dare to let life flow through you.
Discover
The greatest journey is not outside yourself; it's from the inside that you discover who you really are.
Though it's tempting to resist the struggles that come our way, (Really -- do I have to deal with that too?) what if they can be viewed as doorways to discovery? When you reflect on the lessons that you have learned by dealing with previous challenges, you discover how much stronger you've become as a result. When you cultivate self-compassion and consider that even when things didn't go your way, there just may be a bigger plan, you discover a growing sense of inner peace and self-love. As you have access to more love for yourself, you discover how much easier it is to love others. When you risk being authentic and expressing vulnerability, you discover that it brings you closer to the people that matter, rather than further away.
As you approach life with curiosity instead of fear, you uncover areas of interest that you never knew you had. When you challenge yourself to rise to an occasion and test yourself in new endeavors, you discover how brave you are and how far you can go. As you immerse yourself in a pursuit where hours feel like moments, you discover the timelessness of being in flow, and that you can tap into something greater.
When you listen to your inner voice in the stillness, you discover how deeply you are connected to all of life, and that you already have everything you need... inside of you.
What delights you in life, and what have you discovered when you dared to follow your dreams?
For more by Randy Taran, click here.
For more on happiness, click here.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Only Power of the Mystic

 -by Hazrat Inayat Khan

 Listen To Reading!


The only power for the mystic is the power of love.

Every kind of power lies in this one thing which we call by the simple name: love. Charity, generosity, kindness, affection, endurance, tolerance, and patience--all these words are different aspects of one; they are different names of only one thing: love. Whether it is said, 'God is love,' or whatever name is given to it, all the names are the names of God; and yet every form of love, every name for love, has its own peculiar scope, has a peculiarity of its own. Love as kindness is one thing, love as tolerance is another, love as generosity is another, love as patience another; and yet, from beginning to end, it is just love.

Remember therefore that for higher attainment on the spiritual path, study is secondary; all knowledge of occult and psychic law, all magical powers, are secondary. The first and most important principle is the cultivation of the heart quality.

One may ask: How to cultivate the heart quality? There is only one way: to become selfless at each step one takes forward on this path, for what prevents one from cultivating the loving quality is the thought of self. The more we think of our self the less we think of others, and as we go further the self grows to become worse and worse. In the end the self meets us as a giant which we had always fought; and now at the end of the journey the giant is the stronger. But if from the first step we take on the path of perfection we struggled and fought and conquered this giant which is the self, it could be done only by the increasing power of love.

What do I mean by love? It is such a word that one cannot give one meaning. All attributes like kindness, gentleness, goodness, humbleness, mildness, fineness, are names of one and the same thing. Love therefore is that stream which when it rises, (it also) falls in the form of a fountain, and each stream coming down is a virtue. All virtues taught by books or by a religious person have no strength or life because they have been learned; a virtue that is learned has no power, no life. The virtue that naturally springs from the depth of the heart, the virtue that rises from the love-spring and then falls as many different attributes, that virtue is real. There is a Hindustani saying, 'No matter how much wealth you have, if you do not have the treasure of virtue, it is of no use'. The true riches is the ever increasing spring of love from which all virtues come.

--Hazrat Inayat Khan from "The Bowl of Saki"

Prescription for happiness


Video from KarmaTube

Some days, you need to remind yourself about what's truly important in life. So sit back with a cup of your favorite beverage and give yourself a few minutes to savor this sweet video, which gives you a prescription for happiness in two minutes, starting with "show up."



Saturday, March 23, 2013

How to be happy: The UN celebrates its first International Happiness Day with a guide on being cheery


It can be easy to get a bit blue at this time of year.

Luckily, the good people at the United Nations have declared today their very first International Day of Happiness and have even provided some helpful tips on how to be joyful for those not in the spirit of the day.

As part of the UN’s Action for Happiness campaign they have compiled a list of the key elements to happier living, based on scientific studies and surveys of what makes people feel the most content and satisfied in their life.


The 10 essentials for happier living can be summed up as a GREAT DREAM as seen on the UN action for happiness website
The 10 essentials for happier living can be summed up as a GREAT DREAM as seen on the UN action for happiness website 

The ten keys to a more cheerful life have, rather handily, be condensed into the acronym GREAT DREAM: giving, relating, exercising, appreciating, trying out, direction, resilience, emotion, acceptance and meaning.

Unsurprisingly several of the tips focus on increasing the number and quality of relationships in our lives. 

Connecting with people both on a personal, and on a large societal level, is important to our happiness
Connecting with people both on a personal, and on a large societal level, is important to our happiness 

Connecting with people, both on a one-on-one basis, and feeling more connected with society as a whole has been show to increase our sense of well being.
We all know the warm feeling we get when we spontaneously reach out and help someone, or a stranger performs a random act of kindness, such as helping you carry your bags, or even offering a smile on a hellish commute.

A study published in the Review of Personality and Social Psychology, showed that helping others increases life satisfaction, provides a sense of meaning, increases feelings of competence, improves our mood and reduces stress and can help distract us from our own troubles.

The UN also point out that while connecting with friends and loved ones our hectic modern lifestyles mean that while we may constantly plan that long overdue catch up without it ever happening. 

The key to a happier you ...

1.Be part of something bigger

2.Do things for others

3.Connect with people

4.Take care of your body

5.Notice the world around you

6.Keep learning new things

7.Have goals and things to look forward to

8.Find ways to bounce back

9.Take a positive approach

10.Be comfortable with who you are 


Being connected to something bigger, whether it's society or something spiritual, has also been found to be a common trait of those with an omni-smile as it can make you feel like your life has a purpose - even when you are taking out the rubbish in the rain!

Other tips to a contented life are to take care of your body and to notice the world around you. 

While these might sound easy, a treadmill type life of work to TV to bed is all to common for many people, which doesn't only lead to a sluggish body and mind, but can make you feel downright blue.

Exercise will not only help you tone up, but releases feel-good endorphins to boost your mood and concentration.

Taking your workout outside will double its happiness boosting qualities as taking note of nature and being more mindful of what we are doing is shown to help our mood.

And its not just keeping your body in good shape that will help you keep smiling - your mind matters too: learning new things and having goals and things to look forward to also increases our happiness levels.

Feeling good about the future is important for our happiness so the UN suggest not only to keep learning new things, but also to have goals for the future.

However, it is probably best not to set a goal of becoming the next supermodel if you're 5ft 2, as unrealistic, unobtainable goals cause stress and can reduce happiness.
While following these tips should leave you beaming ear-to-ear most of the time, life may unfortunately throw a few rainy days your way.

In preparation for this eventuality, the UN says finding coping strategies for hard times to increase our resilience to them, is a key to remaining in good spirits.

Taking care of your body by exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water, having a good diet and getting plenty of sleep is essential to happiness
Taking care of your body by exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water, having a good diet and getting plenty of sleep is essential to happiness 

Approaching everything - including the negative- with a positive attitude is a trait found in happy people.

Research published in the Clinical Psychology Review has found that that positive emotions actually foster more happy emotions, in a phenomenon called the 'upward spiral.

In other words, if you think positive about a few things, you will be more likely to end up feeling positive about a whole host of other things too.

The final tip from the UN is an age old truth: be comfortable with who you are.
Accept your flaws, appreciate your good points, be kind to yourself if things go wrong, and try not to compare yourself to others!

Read more tips on being happy from the UN here


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Mindfulness


Mindfulness means “paying attention in a particular way: On purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment” (Jon Kabat-Zinn). 

Much of our stress, pain, and suffering comes from being pulled away from the present moment, with regrets about the past, worries about the future, and judgments about the present.  Several mindfulness-based training programs have been shown to be effective for improving health and coping in clinical settings.  

To date, most mindfulness-based clinical programs have been developed for adults.  BC Children’s Hospital is currently developing youth-friendly adaptations of these programs for adolescents with chronic health conditions and/or depression.

Check out our new mindfulness video and mindfulness resources below.

Mindfulness: Youth Voices
This video features youth and young adults discussing their experiences practicing mindfulness, and how mindfulness has benefited different aspects of their lives. The video also features youth practicing mindfulness, and includes insights from a health professional and mindfulness teacher.

Mindfulness Audio Recordings
Drs. Dzung Vo and Jake Locke from BC Children's Hospital have recorded some of their mindfulness meditations that they have been using with their mindfulness groups. You can download these recordings and listen to them from your computer or mobile device. Access the recordings here.


Additional Mindfulness Resources

MindUP: A mindfulness school-based program


Resources

Healthy Living, Healthy Minds: A Toolkit for Health Professionals
This toolkit provides information and resources for health professionals across B.C. to discuss healthy living specific to child and youth
Healthy Living Toolkit for Families
The Healthy Living Toolkit for Families includes information on healthy living for families who have a child or youth with mental health

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The purpose of being human


As I mentioned in an earlier talk, you should know the meaning of your life, the reason you are alive, the purpose of having taken this precious human body at this time, especially this perfect human rebirth, which has eight freedoms and ten richnesses—you should know this, not just intellectually but deeply, so that you transform your attitude accordingly and live your life in harmony with that purpose. What is that? It is living your life for the benefit of others.

Therefore, compassion is the most important meditation, or practice, you can do. Even though the Buddha’s teachings talk about billions of different meditations, or practices, that you could spend your life doing, this is the most important—benefiting others; living your life with an attitude of compassion for others. This is the real purpose of life, the meaning of life.

If even you have only an hour to live, a minute to live, the purpose of life is still to live for the benefit of others, with a good heart, with compassion for others. Even if you have only a minute to live, only a minute of this precious human body left, the most important thing you can practice is compassion; nothing else.

The same thing would be true were you to have a hundred years to live, a thousand years to live, even an eon to live. To fulfill your life’s purpose, you would still have to live with compassion for others, for the benefit of others.

If you are enjoying a happy life, experiencing pleasure, in order for your life not to be empty, to be beneficial, useful, for others, you should practice compassion, live your life for the benefit of others. If your life is unhappy, if you are experiencing relationship problems, if you have cancer or AIDS, if you are depressed, if your life is uncomfortable, even if you are encountering so many hundreds and hundreds of problems— health, relationship, job-related problems—that it seems as if you are drowning in a quagmire of problems, you should also practice compassion for others. If you can practice compassion at times like this, you will still be making your life meaningful, beneficial for others, useful for others, and therefore—by benefiting others—you will be constantly making your life beneficial for yourself. Cherishing others is the best way of cherishing yourself.

Cherishing others means that you don’t harm others, and not harming others is not harming yourself. Even in terms of protection, this is the best way to protect your life. Similarly, when you cause others to be happy, you bring happiness to yourself. The karma created by making others happy causes you to experience happiness too; that’s the kind of karma that results in happiness. Even if you don’t want happiness, once you have created its cause, that’s what results.

If you plant a seed in the ground and all the right conditions are present, such as perfect soil, water, and heat—everything is together and there are no obstacles—then no matter how much you pray for the plant not to grow, it will grow. It will definitely grow because the seed planted in the ground has met all the conditions necessary for growth; the cause and conditions have met. Since it is a dependent arising, it is inevitable that that flower or fruit will grow, no matter how much you pray for it not to.

Similarly, if you lead your everyday life with compassion, bringing as much happiness to others as you possibly can, the natural result will be for you yourself to experience happiness, both now and in the future— there’s the immediate effect of peace of mind in this life and the long-term effect of happiness in all your future lives. All this is the definite result of bringing happiness and benefit to others.

Therefore, there is much to be gained by cherishing others, taking care of other living beings as you do yourself. Whether they are insects or humans, they are living beings just like you—wanting happiness; not wanting suffering. Just as you need the help of others to eliminate problems, so do they. Just as your happiness depends on others, so does theirs. Not only humans, but also insects need your help. Their freedom from problems depends on you; their happiness depends on you.

Why is cherishing others, taking care of others as you do yourself, not harming but benefiting them, the best way of looking after yourself, taking care of yourself? Because it is through having a good heart, cherishing others, benefiting others, that all your own wishes get fulfilled.

In general, in the world, when others see a person who has a compassionate, loving nature, who is good-hearted, they get good vibrations, a positive feeling from that person. Even when strangers meet that person on the road, in airplanes, in offices or shops, just the sight of that person makes them happy, smile, want to talk. Because of your good heart, good vibrations, positive feeling, you make others happy. Even their facial expressions change to reflect their happy minds. Even if you aren’t experiencing any problems, others keep offering you help.

When you have a good heart towards others, all your wishes for your own happiness get fulfilled by the way. Even though your motivation, like that of a bodhisattva, is only the happiness of others and you have not a single expectation of happiness for yourself, even if everything you do, twenty-four hours a day, is exclusively dedicated to the happiness of others with not a thought for your own, you yourself will experience all happiness.

Because of their realization of bodhicitta, the attitude of those holy beings, the bodhisattvas, is such that they totally renounce themselves for others; they have no thought for their own happiness but instead spend every moment seeking the happiness of others. So what happens? With bodhicitta, they are able to develop the ultimate wisdom realizing the very nature of the I—the self and the aggregates, the association of body and mind that is the base that is labeled I—and all other phenomena.

Because of their bodhicitta and the ultimate wisdom they develop, they are able to eradicate all errors of mind, the cause of all suffering—both the gross defilements, the delusions of ignorance, attachment and aversion, and the subtle defilements, which are in the nature of imprints left on the mental continuum by the delusions.

This, then, is the special feature of bodhicitta, because with its support, you can develop not only the wisdom realizing emptiness but can also stop the subtle defilements and thus become fully awakened, attaining the state of omniscience, the fully enlightened mind, knowing directly and without a single mistake, not only the gross karma but also every single subtle karma of each of the numberless sentient beings; seeing all their different characteristics, wishes and levels of intelligence; knowing every single method that suits the minds of all these different sentient beings at different times; and revealing the appropriate method that suits the mind of each individual sentient being at different times in order to guide that being from happiness to happiness, all the way up to enlightenment.

Thus, bodhicitta allows your wisdom to function such that it can overcome even the subtle defilements, making your mind fully enlightened.

In this way, bodhicitta allows you to become a fully qualified guide, a perfectly enlightened being, and therefore to liberate numberless other sentient beings from samsara, the ocean of suffering, and bring them into the peerless happiness of full enlightenment.

So from where does this achievement of all those infinite enlightened qualities arise? Even the bodhisattvas on the ten levels (bhumis) have incredible, inconceivable qualities. Just a first level bodhisattva is able to meditate in hundreds of different concentrations, go to hundreds of different pure lands, reveal hundreds of different teachings to sentient beings. I don’t recall exactly, but there are about eleven different things of which they can do hundreds. Then a second level bodhisattva can do a thousand different concentrations, go to a thousand pure lands, reveal a thousand different teachings to sentient beings, and so forth. Like this, as they progress higher and higher through the levels, they achieve more and more inconceivable qualities with which they can benefit other sentient beings. I don’t remember the terms for the ninth and tenth levels, but the bodhisattvas there possess inconceivable numbers of such qualities.

All these incredible qualities of the bodhisattva path, all the infinite qualities of the buddha’s holy body, holy speech and holy mind, come from the root, renunciation of ego and the thought that seeks the happiness of oneself alone, and generation of the good heart, the thought that seeks the happiness of only other sentient beings. All those qualities come from this. All the infinite good qualities of the Buddha, of the Dharma, the bodhisattvas’ path, and of the Sangha, those arya and even ordinary bodhisattvas, come from the incredibly precious thought, the wish-fulfilling bodhicitta—renunciation of the ego and the self-centered mind and the development of cherishing only others. They all come from this.

Those who can do this realize the best possible achievement. They renounce the self, they renounce the I, but they gain the best achievement, the greatest success. Not only do they find liberation forever from the cycle of death and rebirth and all the problems it brings, such as rebirth, old age, sickness, emotional problems and all other difficulties of life we experience, but they also attain everlasting liberation, everlasting freedom, everlasting happiness for themselves, and are able to bring skies of happiness to numberless other sentient beings. All this comes from the root, bodhicitta, that most precious holy mind, renouncing I, cherishing others.

We can understand how this is true from reading texts that tell the stories of Buddha’s previous lives and the lives of other bodhisattvas, but we can also understand how a good heart is wish-fulfilling for your happiness from simple examples from the ordinary lives of common people in the world—how those whose minds are more compassionate in nature, who are good hearted, have much easier lives.

For example, if you are experiencing serious health problems, like cancer and so forth, but you have a good heart, your mind will be happy and peaceful because your main concern is not for yourself but for others; your concern is for other sentient beings. Therefore, your mind is peaceful. Even if you are dying, your mind is not disturbed because your concern is for others, not yourself. Even at the end of your life, at the very end of your human life, your experience of death is a happy one because your attitude is one of concern for others, not for I, not the self-cherishing, self-centered mind.

Even though things don’t work out for you, you encounter many obstacles, your life is going wrong, none of this bothers you, your mind is undisturbed, always happy and peaceful, because the first priority in your life is the happiness of others. What concerns you most is others, not yourself. That’s your goal. This attitude brings so much peace and happiness into your daily life, gives you so much satisfaction. Even if other people are causing you problems, hassling you, it doesn’t bother your mind; your mind remains peaceful and happy.

In particular, with a good heart, compassion for others, whenever a problem arises, you experience it for others, on behalf of other sentient beings. If you experience happiness, you experience it for others. If you enjoy a luxury life, comfort, you dedicate it to others. And if you experience a problem, you experience it for others—for others to be free of problems and to have all happiness up to enlightenment, complete perfect peace and bliss. Wishing others to have all happiness, you experience problems on their behalf.

That gives you incredible satisfaction and fulfillment, but not only that. If you have that attitude, no matter how many problems you experience, when you encounter each one you feel like you have discovered a precious treasure. You see it as an incredible opportunity to dedicate yourself to others; a great chance to experience the sufferings of others, like bodhisattvas do, like Buddha did, like Jesus Christ did; to take upon yourself the suffering of others.

Even though others might find that problem unbearable, for you, who has this attitude, it’s not a big bother, you don’t find it particularly difficult, you’re pretty easy about it—because of your good heart, that pure attitude of life. This makes your entire life very easy, very happy.

Your heart is not hollow, not empty, but overflowing with fulfillment, brimming with joy. In this way, even should you encounter many problems, you live your life with joy. You enjoy your problems; you even enjoy your death. No matter what happens, you enjoy it with bodhicitta, the thought that cherishes others. What ordinary people might find undesirable, the person with the good heart, the attitude of cherishing others, finds desirable because that person can make problems beneficial for other sentient beings. The person with a good heart, a compassionate mind, the thought of cherishing others, the bodhicitta attitude, makes the problem useful, beneficial for others. In this way, this person’s experience of problems becomes a cause for the happiness of all sentient beings—not just temporary happiness but that of the highest, full enlightenment. Bodhicitta makes the person’s experience of problems a cause for the happiness of all living beings. How? By transforming problems into the path to enlightenment.

Lama Zopa Rinpoche



Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Cycle of Life - Learning from the Big Picture

 by Madisyn Taylor

While we are on earth we are all human beings in different phases of our lives and soul development.

As we walk through the world, the people we encounter appear so different from one another. We see babies, old men, pregnant women, and teenaged boys. We know couples on the verge of marriage and lonely widows. We interact with toddlers and the terminally ill. As different as each person seems, they are all living the human experience. They are just at different places in the cycle that begins with birth and ends with death. Every phase of the cycle of life has its gifts and its challenges. Each stage is temporary and ultimately gives way to a new phase. This ephemeral quality makes each phase precious, because it will never last.

One of the wonderful qualities possessed by babies and young children is that they are unaware that a cycle of life even exists. They simply are present to wherever they happen to be right now, and they don’t give much thought to the past or future. Being around them reminds us of the joy that comes from living fully in the moment. On the opposite end of life’s cycle are our elderly role models. They are a reminder that each phase of life should be treasured. Time does pass, and we all change and grow older.

Being aware of the cycle of life and our place in it makes us wiser. As we develop a true appreciation for the phase we are in, we can savor it more. A new mother going through a difficult time with her infant can more easily embrace her challenges because she knows that her child will grow up, and she will long for this time again. Difficult and challenging periods are inevitable, but – like everything that is a part of the cycle of life – they are temporary. When we are fully engaged with life, we get to savor and grow from each phase, and we are ready for the next one when it arrives. Fully embracing wherever you are in the cycle of life is the very essence to happiness.



Friday, February 8, 2013

Advice to My Kids

By Leo Babauta



I have six lovely children — one of them now an adult, and a couple more almost there — and I give a lot of thought to what I think they should know as they grow up and go out into the world.
What could I best teach them to equip them for life?
This is what I’d like them to know:
You are good enough. Most people are afraid to do things because they are afraid they’re not good enough, afraid they’ll fail. But you are good enough — learn that and you won’t be afraid of new things, won’t be afraid to fail, won’t need the approval of others. You’ll be pre-approved — by yourself.
All you need to be happy is within you. Many people seek happiness in food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, partying, sex … because they’re seeking external happiness. They don’t realize the tools for happiness aren’t outside them. They’re right inside you: mindfulness, gratitude, compassion, thoughtfulness, the ability to create and do something meaningful, even in a small way.
You can start your own business. As a young man, I thought I needed to go to college and then be employed, and that owning a business is for rich people. That was all wrong. It’s possible for almost anyone to start their own business, and while you’ll probably do badly at first, you’ll learn quickly. It’s a much better education than college.
Everything useful I’ve learned I didn’t learn from college … I learned from doing.
That said, I’ve had some amazing teachers. They’re not always in school, though: they’re everywhere. A friend I met at work. My peers online. My mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, uncles and aunts. My wife. My kids. Failure. Teachers are everywhere, if you’re willing to learn.
Spend less than you earn. Thirty percent less if you can manage. Most people get a job and immediately spend their income on a car loan, high rent or a large mortgage, buying possessions and eating out using credit cards. None of that is necessary. Don’t spend it if you don’t have it. Learn to go without, and be happy with less.
Put away some of your income to grow with the power of compound earnings. Your future self will thank you.
Learn to love healthy food. It’s all a matter of adjusting your tastebuds, slowly and gradually. Learn to cook for yourself. Try some healthy, delicious recipes.
Learn compassion. We start life with a very selfish outlook — we want what we want. But compassion is about realizing we are no more important than everyone else, and we aren’t at the center of the universe. Someone annoys you? Get outside of your little shell, and try to see how their day is going. How can you help them be less angry, less in pain?
Never stop learning. If you just learn something a little a day, it will add up over time immensely.
Have fun being active. Sure, there’s lots of fun to be had online, and in eating sweets and fried food, and in watching TV and movies and playing video games. But going outside and playing with friends, tossing a ball around, swimming, climbing something, challenging each other … that’s even more fun. And it leads to a healthy life, healthy heart, more focused and energetic mind.
Get good at discomfort. Avoiding discomfort is very common, but a big mistake. Learning to be OK with some discomfort will change your life.
The things that stress you out don’t matter. Take a larger perspective: will this matter in five years? Most likely the answer is no. If the answer is yes, attend to it.
Savor life. Not just the usual pleasures, but everything and everyone. The stranger you meet on the bus. The sunshine that hits your face as you walk. The quiet of the morning. Time with a loved one. Time alone. Your breath as you meditate.
Meditate.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. They are some of the best teachers. Instead, learn to be OK with mistakes, and learn to learn from them, and learn to shrug them off so they don’t affect your profound confidence in who you are.
You need no one else to make you happy or validate you. You don’t need a boss to tell you that you’re great at what you do. You don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend to tell you that you’re lovable. You don’t need your friends’ approval. Having loved ones and friends in your life is amazing, but know who you are first.
Learn to be good at change. Change is the one constant in life. You will suffer by trying to hold onto things. Learn to let go (meditation helps with this skill), and learn to have a flexible mind. Don’t get stuck in what you’re comfortable with, don’t shut out what’s new and uncomfortable.
Open your heart. Life is amazing if you don’t shut it out. Other people are amazing. Open your heart, be willing to take the wounds that come with an open heart, and you will experience the best of life.
Let love be your rule. Success, selfishness, righteousness … these are not good rules to live by. Love family, friends, coworkers, strangers, your brothers and sisters in humanity. Love even those who think they’re your enemy. Love the animals we treat as food and objects. Most of all, love yourself.
And always know, no matter what: I love you with every particle of my being.



Nine Essential Qualities of Mindfulness


Most people these days are stressed out by the fast pace of life, economy, and worries about the future. In a recent survey, conducted in the UK, a whopping 86 percent agreed that "people would be much happier and healthier if they knew how to slow down and live in the moment" (Mental Health Foundation, 2010).  It is no wonder that mindfulness has rapidly gained attention in the popular press and is one of the few complementary medicine techniques to be offered in  hospitals and clinics worldwide. But what exactly is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a mind-body medicine practice, based on ancient Zen Buddhist meditationtechniques, that was popularized by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a researcher at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. According to Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is an internal resource that all of us already have within us. The idea is to channel or direct this resource to transform our relationships with stress, emotions, pain, and illness. Indeed, controlled research studies suggest that mindfulness-based interventions can effectively reduce symptoms in people with chronic pain, recurrent depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, binge-eating, and many other health conditions. Mindfulness interventions have also been shown to change the brain's grey matter and reactivity to emotional stimuli in ways that promote greater conscious control over emotion.

While most people seem to think that mindfulness is a good thing, many people are confused about what exactly mindfulness is. Does it involve emptying the brain of thoughts, inducing relaxation, or going into a trance? Do you have to go live in an ashram and retreat from the material world to practice it effectively?  Is it a kind of religion or cult, and is it potentially dangerous?  In fact, none of the above have been shown to be true. Below is a description of some key concepts that can help illuminate what it means to have a mindful attitude to life.

Focus on the Present Moment—When your thoughts get lost in thinking about the past or worrying about the future, you bring them back to what you are experiencing right now. You try to remain open to how things unfold in the present, rather than having preconceived ideas about how things will or should turn out.

Being Fully Present—You are spaciously aware of whatever you are experiencing in the present moment as you go through your daily life. What do you feel in your body? What are you seeing, hearing, doing - right now?

Openness to Experience—Rather than dreading and shutting out your own feelings and experiences because you think you can't handle them, you welcome with curiosity any thoughts and feelings that naturally arise, knowing they are merely sensations in the moment and the next moment can be different. You create mental spaciousness to contain these thoughts and fellings. Become aware of your experience as a flow of sensations, thoughts, and feelings and watch how these change and transform naturally over time.

Non-Judgment—You don't categorize your thoughts and feelings as good or bad, try to change them, or feel compelled to act on them. All feelings have a purpose, whether to protect you from danger or open you to love. You watch and accept whatever arises in consciousness with an open mind. You extend this non-judging attitude to other people and things.

Acceptance of Things as They Are—You don't try to force or change reality to fit your vision of what it should be, feel like a victim, or bemoan the unfairness of life. Instead, you try to see reality clearly and let it be as it is, knowing that you can tolerate whatever it is that comes up. You extend this acceptance to others, knowing they are the best judges of what is right for them.

Connection—You feel connected to all living things and nature in being part of a larger whole. You reflect on and feel grateful for the cycle of life and the food, beauty, and protection that nature gives us. You know that all living beings want to feel happy and secure and avoid suffering and you feel connected by similarity of needs and experience.

Non-Attachment—You do not try to hold onto things, people, or experiences, knowing that life is in constant flow. Attachment comes from fear and is the basis of suffering. You learn to surf the wave of life, going with the flow and being confident in your own ability to adapt. When one door closes, another opens.

Peace and Equanimity—You maintain an even-keel, not getting too swept up in life's highs and lows. You know that life is a cycle and you can't see the whole picture at any one moment. When things don't go your way, you stay firmly rooted in your own clear vision and values. You walk with a peaceful heart and adopt a non-harming, non-violent attitude.

Compassion—You deal gently, kindly, and patiently with yourself and others. Rather than judging, or condemning, you open your heart to really listen and try to understand your own and other people's experiences. You allow yourself to feel other people's suffering. You love people not for what they can give you or because you need something from them, but because you connect and empathize with their experiences.

With these concepts in mind, you can begin to introduce mindfulness into your own life, whether it is by deliberately directing attention to your breath and senses at different times during the day, taking a mindful nature walk, or beginning a simple meditation practice. You might want to center your attention on each in- and out-breath, noticing the length, quality, and sensations of the breath moving in and out of your body, without trying to force or change it in any way. You may also begin to become aware of the times in the day that you operate "mindlessly," and on automatic pilot, your head so busy with plans and worries, that you don't even notice what you feel inside or what is around you. 

Developing an observing mind that watches your own daily experience, notices your automatic patterns, and gently redirects attention to the present moment is the beginning of growing a "mindfulness muscle" to help you navigate the winds of change and stresses in your life. "As Eckhart Tolle so eloquently said: "Always say "yes" to the present moment. Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life—and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you."

Melanie Greenberg is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Mill Valley, Marin County, CA. She is also a researcher, author, and national speaker with expertise in life stress, relationships, mind-body health, and effects of society and media on human behavior.

Her website:  http://melaniegreenbergphd.com/marin-psychologist/