Monday, June 24, 2013

Perspective taking


"Perspective taking goes far beyond empathy; it involves figuring out what others think and feel, and forms the basis for children’s understanding of their parents’, teachers’, and friends’ intentions. Children who can take others’ perspectives are also much less likely to get involved in conflicts."

Children learn perspective taking skills when we are willing to understand their perspective.

When we are gentle with ourselves, especially when we feel we are at our "worst," we begin the process of moving through our past and creating a present with children where everyone's perspective and everyone's needs have value.

We go beyond the either-or mentality and open the possibility that we can meet everyone's needs.

Read more: How children learn perspective taking

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Little Guide to Contentedness

by Leo Babauta

There has been little in my life that has made as much an impact as learning to be content — with my life, where I am, what I’m doing, what I have, who I’m with, who I am.

This little trick changes everything.

Let’s take a look at my life before contentedness:

I was addicted to junk food and fast food, and overweight and unhealthy. I bought too many things on impulse, owned too much clutter, and was deeply in debt and struggling to make it to the next payday. I was unhappy with who I was, wanted desperately to change, tried a thousand different programs and books. I was always worried I was missing out on exciting things, and wanted so much to be out doing the fun things everyone else was doing. I was always changing the way I did things, because it seemed everyone else had a better system or tools. I strove to meet goals, because they would get me to a better life.

And as I learned to be content, here was what changed:

I learned to be happy with healthier food, with less food, and my health improved and waistline shrunk. I relied on a good book, spending time with people I loved, going for a nice run … and my debt began to be reduced as I learned I didn’t need to spend money to enjoy myself. I learned to be happier with who I was, and what I was doing, and so no longer needed self-improvement books and programs, no longer needed to try all kinds of new systems and tools. I became happy with myself, with those around me, and with what I had — and so didn’t need to strive to change everything. Letting go of goals helped me to simplify things so I had less to worry about, less to do.

That’s just the start. There is no way to account for the tremendous change that happens when you learn to accept who you are, when you tell yourself you are perfect just as you are, when you love yourself and everything about yourself. You stop criticizing yourself, you are happier, you are a better person to be around, and you can now help others and work without the insecurities you had before.

This is not a magical state, and doesn’t require any new tools or books. It’s simple, and I’ll share what has worked for me.

Learning to Be Content 

If you are in a bad place in your life, and are unhappy with everything about it (job, relationship, yourself, house, habits, etc.), it can be a miserable thing. But here’s something interesting: it can also be a happy thing.

I’ve been in situations where you might think things were bad, and sometimes I was very unhappy, and other times I was happy. The difference wasn’t in the external circumstances, but in my mindset — I learned to appreciate what I had, instead of focusing on the things I didn’t have or didn’t like. I was grateful for my health, for the people in my life, for having food and being alive.

If you can learn to develop the right mindset, you can be happy now, without changing anything else. You don’t need to wait until you’ve changed everything and made your life perfect before you’re happy — you have everything you need to be happy right now.

The mindset of waiting for happiness is a never-ending cycle. You get a better job (yay!) and then immediately start thinking about what your next promotion will be. You get a nicer house and immediately start looking at how nice your neighbors’ houses are, or the faults in the house you have. You try to change your spouse or kids, and if that works (good luck), you’ll find other things about them that need to be changed. It keeps going, until you die.

Instead, learn that you can be content now, without any external changes. Here’s how to start:

1.  Take a moment to be grateful for something. What in your life is amazing? Even if everything seems to suck, there must be one good thing. It might simply be that you have beauty somewhere nearby, or that you are alive, or that your kids are healthy. Find something, and give thanks for that.

2.  Catch yourself thinking, “This sucks.” It’s amazing how often people think this thought. “This sucks!” “My co-worker is the worst — he sucks!” “My wife doesn’t understand me — this suuucks!” It might be in different words, but if you catch yourself thinking something like that, pause. Reverse the thinking. Find a way to be thankful for the situation. “My wife is a caring and sweet person — maybe I should give her a hug.” “My co-worker might be annoying sometimes, but he has a good heart, and maybe I should get to know him better.” “My room might be messy but at least I have a roof over my head.”

3.  Find the little things that can give you simple joys. What do you need to be happy? I love simple things, like taking a walk, spending time with a loved one, reading a book, eating some berries, drinking tea. These cost very little, and require very little, and can make me very happy. Find the simple things that give you similar happiness, and focus on those rather than what you don’t have.

4.  Find the things about yourself that you’re happy with. We tend to criticize ourselves easily, but what if we turned it around and asked, “What do I do right? What am I good at? What is loveable about me?” Make a list. Start to focus on these things rather than what you’re unhappy with.

5.  Do the same with others in your life. Instead of criticizing them, ask yourself, “What is good about this person? What do I love about them?” Make a list, and focus on these things above all else.

6.  Assume that you, others, and life are perfect. You are great, and don’t need improvement. You aren’t a piece of clay that must be shaped and molded into something better — you are already perfect. Other people are also just as perfect, and don’t need improvement. You just need to appreciate them for who they are. The moment we are living in is not a stepping stone to something better — it is exactly wonderful, and we have already arrived at the perfect moment.

The Contented Life

It might be useful to look at what life would be like if you learned to be content:

1.  Self image. We compare ourselves with the images in our head of perfection — movie stars, models in magazines, other people who seem to have it all together — and we can never measure up to those perfect images. But those images are not real. They are an imagined ideal. Even the beautiful people have bad hair days and feel flabby, and if you take away their photoshopped and heavily-made-up façade, you see that they are every bit as human as you are. Even the people who seem successful, living exciting lives — they have the same self-doubts you have. So if they don’t live up to this ideal image, why should you? And even if they did (which they don’t), why would you need to? When we let go of this image of perfection, we realize that we are already exactly who we should be. And then, all our need for self-improvement, and all the activity and effort and pain that implies, fades away. We are happy with ourselves, and nothing else is needed.

2.  Relationships. If you are content with yourself, you are more likely to be a good friend, partner, parent. You are more likely to be happy and friendly and loving, more likely to be as accepting of others as you are of yourself. Relationships improve, especially when others learn to be content with themselves, from your example.

3.  Health. Much of our culture’s unhealthiness comes from unhappiness — eating junk food to give ourselves comfort and relieve stress, not exercising because we think we can’t (because we have a bad self-image), being glued online because we think we might miss something if we turn off the computer or iPhone. When you realize that you aren’t missing anything, and you don’t need junk food to be happy, and you are good enough to exercise, you can slowly return to health.

4.  Possessions. The overload of possessions in our lives comes from unhappiness — we buy things because we think they’ll give us comfort, coolness, happiness, security, an exciting life. When we become content with ourselves and our lives, we realize none of that is necessary, and we can start getting rid of these extraneous crutches.

5.  Busy-ness. Much of our busy-ness comes from fear that we should be doing more, that we might be missing out, that we aren’t enough already. But we are enough, and we don’t need more, and we aren’t missing out. So we can let go of a lot of unnecessary activity, and just focus on doing what we love, and give ourselves the space to enjoy a contented life.

This is all just a few scratches on the surface of a contented life, but it gives you a picture of what might be. And the truth is, once you learn the simple trick of contentedness, it’s really a picture of what already is. You just need to let go of the fears, and see what is already here.

‘Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.’ ~Lao Tzu

Source: http://www.dailygood.org/story/311/the-little-guide-to-contentedness-leo-babauta/

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Life is a Dream

by Jeff Mason

Metaphors draw two unlikely suspects together in an illuminating way. The metaphor “Achilles is a lion” is not literally true, unless I have a lion named “Achilles.” Yet it draws attention to the courage and strength of the hero with a punch that straight prose lacks. “X is brave and strong” applies to many people. The metaphor distinguishes Achilles from others who are also brave and strong. Metaphors make readers think about the deeper identity that underlies surface differences. A good one sparks new thoughts and connections between ideas, but metaphors are never literally true.

“Life is a dream” is a well known metaphor. On the surface, seeking an identity between waking life and dreaming seems unpromising. After all, we distinguish ‘dreaming’ from ‘waking life’, and without this contrast, it would no longer make sense to speak of ‘dreaming’ in the first place. Life is real, but dreams are not. No matter how vivid at the time, what happens in dreams does not actually happen. I dream that I marry the boss’s daughter, but wake up to find it is time to go to work sweeping her dad’s factory floor. I can fly in my dreams, but not in waking life. There are other contrasts. Time is disjointed in dreams, but can be mapped using clock time in ‘real life’. I wake to a continuing life, but each dream is complete in itself. It is extremely rare, I would imagine, to continue last night’s dream tonight. Dreams certainly appear illusory in comparison with normal waking life.

At this point, we might ask why “Life is a Dream” has captured so much attention over the years? From what direction do we hear it? The metaphor seems to be coming from an esoteric tradition, from mysticism, Taoism, or perhaps Buddhism. As a realistically-minded philosopher, I have resisted the idea that life is somehow a dream. And yet, I have thought about it over the years. I stub my toe. It hurts. Is this a dream? I lose my job, my wife, my cat and my dog. Are these just dreams? The world aches with war, plague, death, hatred, hunger and despair. Are all these dreams? Are the suffering of millions just illusions?

Another way I have resisted the life/dream metaphor is by rejecting mysticism as not sufficiently rational. In one strand of the mystical tradition as I understand it, what the ignorant normally call ‘life’ is actually illusory. It is the veil of Maya, fueled by craving for the unreal and delusional delights of trying to satisfy endlessly proliferating desires. Everything is changing in every way all the time. Nothing stays the same. We are supposed to escape from the illusion of Maya and the wheel of life (Samsara) by understanding that life is just a dream, and all this ceaseless striving is a kind of sleepwalking. Best to give up the desires which give birth to the world of craving. This sounds good, but once again we are up against the fact that life feels real to those who are struggling to survive in a difficult and frightening world. Thinking that life is just a dream seemed to me just an excuse to forget about the world and all the problems we find there.

After coming to these dark reflections, I found a question to move forward. Are dreams actually the same as illusions? Consider an optical illusion. Once we find out that it is an illusion, our minds corrects for the faulty perception. A straight stick looks bent when it is half under water. Once we learn a little optics, we see why it looks this way. Of course, it might be a bent stick after all, but that would just be funny. Are dreams illusions like this? I think not. No matter how sure I am that it was a dream after I wake up, there is no way to ‘correct’ for the illusion while in the dream itself. Dreams just do seem real at the time.

First of all, a dream is not illusory on its own terms. While dreaming, the dream is real. Second, dreams have meaning. To say that something is a dream is not to say that it is meaningless, pointless or trivial. Third, and most importantly, though dreams do vanish upon waking, the ephemeral nature of dreams does not detract from their existence or significance.

From this standpoint, there is a deep identity between dreams and waking life. For me, it has to do with the varnishing of days and dreams together. Yesterday has all the phenomenological reality of yesterday’s dream. It is gone, not to be retrieved. Yesterday is like a play that ran its course, stirred up actions and passions, and then passed away in sleep. What is the memory of the wonderful trip you took to the sea shore last summer but a dream? This is the deep structural identity of memories, dreams and waking life.

Source: http://blog.talkingphilosophy.com/?p=1767

Life is but a dream

 



“Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.”

This is my all-time favorite rhyme. Although it’s considered a children’s song, it is packed with meaning and inspiration for us big kids too!

Over the years, several different metaphors and meanings have been ascribed to this ditty. Following is my own take on these four wonderful lines.

The boat

The boat signifies this body, the transitory home to one’s pure awareness. It is the vessel for moving, learning, and growing. The body serves as the basis through which we can actualize our full potential and realize the true nature of our mind and the universe. How marvelous!

If you look around, you will notice that humans are far outnumbered by the millions of other beings on this planet. Just the number of insects in a big pile of dirt is enormous. In my spiritual tradition, this is the logic behind the belief that it is extremely rare and also precious to be born a human.

Why precious? Because – unlike animals – humans have the awareness and intelligence that can bring about complete personal transformation. We can train our being in limitless love, kindness, compassion, and equanimity. We can learn to let our wisdom mind shine forth.

But a human life isn’t thought to be particularly special if it’s wasted on materialistic pursuits alone. It only becomes unique when we recognize the extraordinary spiritual opportunity it provides to us.

Now, you may not believe in reincarnation, and that’s OK. But the main point to extract from all this is to recognize and appreciate the tremendous opportunity this lifetime holds. You never know when or if you will have the chance of a lifetime again. Afterall, death is real and comes without warning.

So, as the saying goes, make hay while the sun shines. Don’t waste this precious opportunity! Celebrate every moment and use this life for the highest purposes. At the same time, be sure to take good care of your boat – it is a precious vehicle.

Row, row, row

Without rowing, your boat won’t move – will it?

It may end up stuck on the shore, swept violently along by turbulent flows, or crashed to bits over a waterfall. Reaching your destination requires effort, discipline, and clarity of direction.

Distractions abound – don’t let them pull you off your course. At the same time, hold your destination lightly in mind and heart. Stay open. The universe may hold entirely different possibilities for you! Don’t be so tightly focused on one destination that you miss your true path.

Rowing may require effort, but it doesn’t have to be a struggle. When you have a glimpse of the mystery and magic all around you, diligence is naturally infused with joy.

Gently down the stream

Pushing too hard only creates stress, tension, and illness. As popular wisdom tells us, “Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.” The stream of life passes magically before us. Enjoy the fullness of the moment as it streams by. Don’t cling to the past. Just let go!

Merrily, merrily, merrily

Attitude is everything. A gentle, playful spirit will magnetize positivity and good results.

Chances are suffering and challenges will arise on the journey. Use them well. With the right perspective, they will fuel personal evolution. Persevere in choosing joy, whatever comes your way.

Life is but a dream

Life is often likened to an illusion – a dream, a magic show, a visual aberration, a mirage, an echo, a reflection. All that arises in our mind and in the world around us appears yet is empty of inherent existence.

In The Words of My Perfect Teacher, the illustrious 19th century spiritual master Patrul Rinpoche explains how it is when you come to taste the dreamlike quality of reality:

“…objects that appear to it [the mind] do not stop appearing, but the concepts that take them as having any true existence subside. To leave the mind in the realization of the nature of reality, empty yet clear like the sky, is transcendent wisdom.”

Although the world continues to appear before us, and thoughts and emotions continue to arise in the mind, you recognize their transitory, ephemeral nature. When you gradually take to heart the illusory quality of existence, joy, ease, wonder, and spaciousness bubble up inside.

At the same time, a sense of universal responsibility awakens within as you come to observe and appreciate the truth of interdependence. You understand that your actions matter. They have an effect, positive or negative. Understanding this and knowing that negative actions harm you too, you act for the better of all. In fact, compassion naturally pervades your every thought and deed when you hold this profound view of reality lightly in your heart.

The brilliant 14th century spiritual master Longchenpa wrote these beautiful words to capture the unceasing play of emptiness and appearance.

“Since things neither exist nor don’t exist,
are neither real nor unreal,
are utterly beyond adopting and rejecting -
one might as well burst out laughing.”

Imagine what the world would be like if we all adopted such a carefree yet compassionate view of life!

What meanings do you find in this 4-line “children’s” rhyme? Is there another rhyme that resonates meaning and inspiration for you?

Please Note: This is a guest post by my dear and wise friend Sandra Lee from Always Well Within.

About the Author:
Sandra Lee writes about living an awake, authentic, happier and healthier life on her personal development blog Always Well Within. Her articles offer a unique blend of personal transformation, wellness, ecology, and essential wisdom to help you realize your best self and be part of creating a better world.You can keep up with her by following her on Twitter @AlwaysWellWithn

Source: http://positiveprovocations.com/2010/09/17/life-is-but-a-dream/

A true message that should be taught in schools across the world



Timber Hawkeye has a very simple guide to happiness - 2 words: be grateful. Gratitude turns what we have into enough. In this TEDx talk, Hawkeye observes that all of our suffering is self-inflicted, and that we have a misguided notion that happiness is something we have to "pursue." He shares some simple prescriptions for inner peace and tranquility: slow down, sit. There is nothing you need to buy; nowhere you need to go. Just spend a few minutes each day taking inventory of everything in your life that is worth appreciating.

Source: http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=3631

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Heart Sutra

Medicine Buddha healing Mantra Chanting




Tayata Om Bekandze Bekandze Maha Bekandze Radza Samudgate Soha


"English translation: 'May the many sentient beings who are sick, quickly be freed from sickness. And may all the sicknesses of beings never arise again.'

Buddha taught that suffering is caused by attachment to things, people, etc. We think things will bring us happiness. but our attachment actually brings us much suffering because we become obsessed with protecting them, ever hungry for more, and depressed when we lose them. A better way to live is to enjoying the abundance around us but not become attached -- "counting nothing as one's own".

Peace, It means not to desire anything because you are , all ready, all that is and all that will ever be!! (there is no need for a selfish thought (or a desire) when you know you are part of all that is and all that will ever BE Already! ) Being at one with the Universe is living in Abundance! Blessings"

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Matthieu Ricard: Happiness is a Skill

--by Mattieu Ricard in an interview with Tami Simon, Original Story, May 14, 2013



Tami Simon
: Today my guest is Matthieu Ricard. Matthieu is an author and photographer who earned a PhD in cell genetics. He is also a Buddhist monk who has served as the Dalai Lama’s French interpreter since 1989. Matthieu has written several books, including The Monk and the Philosopher, The Quantum and the Lotus, as well as The Art of Meditation. With Sounds True, he has released an audio learning program based on his book called Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill.

In this episode of “Insights at the Edge,” I spoke with Matthieu via Skype quite late at night while he was at his monastery in Nepal. We discussed the skill of happiness, as well as the conditions for happiness. We also discussed the physical and psychological effects of meditation, along with the ways to track the progress you make in your spiritual practice. Here’s my conversation with Matthieu Ricard.

Matthieu, you talk and write about happiness as a skill, and since I heard you introduce this idea that happiness is a skill, honestly I’ve been thinking about it very deeply ever since. I think most people think about happiness as something that descends from the clouds if you’re lucky. How is it a skill?

Matthieu Ricard: Well, the thing that puzzles me is when people say, “Well, you know, you cannot define happiness, because it’s very personal.” And then the second thing that I find so puzzling is when people say, “You know, happiness comes like a magic moment. You cannot cultivate it. If you look for it, then you are sure that you won’t find it.”

So I think there’s two misunderstandings. One of them is that happiness is very personal. That means somehow that— I think it’s a confusion between pursuing our fancies or the way we would like the world to be. So “I will be happy if I have a big house, or this and that,” all kinds of mostly outer conditions. Or “Oh! I’m just happy when I play the violin!” Well, that is very narrow! I read things in magazines, like “Oh, happiness for me is to eat a good plate of macaroni” or something like that. It’s quite sad to hear that.

But I think, if we think of happiness as a way of being, as something that represents a state of flourishing, of fulfillment, of a well-being that endures through all events in life, even all different kinds of emotions and mental states, something that gives you the inner resources to deal with whatever comes your way—pleasant, unpleasant circumstances, helpful circumstances, adverse circumstances—something that gives you some kind of platform or way of being that’s behind all that, and that gives you the resources to deal with all that. So then if it’s something that pervasive, then it’s not something that is so personal that it’s incommunicable with others.

I think it comes with a cluster of qualities. There is no such thing as “happiness” as an isolated quality or skill. It is a skill, but it is a skill that has many components, and each of those components are constructive ways of being, like altruism or benevolence, compassion, inner peace, inner strength, inner freedom. [It is] the sense of freedom from being carried away by all sorts of wild chain reactions of thoughts due to craving, or hatred, or all that. It is the real freedom to maintain your inner peace. All of those together make a way of being that I think characterizes authentic happiness.

It is a skill, because each of those factors, like altruistic love, can be cultivated, a greater inner strength can be cultivated. There are ways to cultivate the skills to be free from being overwhelmed by afflictive emotions. You could say that all of those combined make a general skill, a resulting skill that is authentic well-being or happiness.

TS: How do I make sure, when I’m cultivating something like altruism, that I’m not just sugarcoating my experience? For example, say I’m going to cultivate being generous. I’m giving, giving, giving, but really underneath I don’t really feel it. I’m just acting the part.

MR: Cultivating generosity is not fundamentally by giving! It’s by cultivating generosity as an inner quality, and then naturally the giving will follow up! You don’t start by the action; you start by the motivation, and motivation is something that can be cultivated. Otherwise, if you’re just mechanically giving, then you could have a robot that gives away money all around, and it’s definitely not going to be generous.

Generosity is a state of nongrasping that is combined with a genuine concern for others, a reduced feeling of self-centeredness and self-cherishing, in the sense of an egoistic way, and then naturally the outcome of that is spontaneously, joyfully, naturally—you’ll be so concerned that it is a joy to give to others! Of course, if it becomes something that is against your nature, against your feeling, that makes you feel miserable, then simply you are not generous! You’re just forcing yourself with some kind of weird idea of duty, or I don’t know what.

It is the inner quality that you need to cultivate first, and then the expression in speech and action will just naturally follow. The mind is the king. The speech and the activities are the servants. The servants are not going to tell the king how it is going to be. The king has to change, and then the other ones follow up.

TS: Now you mentioned this very important thing: cultivating the right motivation. Can you speak more about that? How do I do that?

MR: First of all, in terms of actions and consequences of our actions, it’s very hard to predict all the consequences of our actions in the short-term, and even less in the longer term. If ethics were only based on the way the actions look and the ultimate consequences, then it would be very hard to be sure that one is engaging in ethical action. But you can always check your motivation. You know, very simply: Is it totally selfish? Or is it motivated by a genuine sense of concern for the well-being or the suffering of others? And then is it for the small number of those who are dear to me or treat me well, or is it for the greater number, or all sentient beings?

Nobody wants to suffer, and all of [us] want to find happiness, even though we’re sometimes very unskillful about the way to find happiness. But fundamentally, deep within, no one wakes up in the morning thinking, “I’ll suffer the whole day!” That sense of concern, and then is it for the smaller number or the greater number? Is it for the short-term, or for the long-term? Is it just to make someone happy right now, like giving drinks to someone who is already drunk, or just thinking of the long-term of the person’s health?

So just doing the best you can, the most altruistic [thing that you can], taking all that you can know into consideration, and then the rest is out of your control. What’s actually going to happen in the long-term, you cannot predict. You cannot mass-control that, but the motivation—whether you are extremely well informed or not, whether you are extremely smart or a little bit less smart—you can always check your motivation honestly, sincerely, deep within. We say that we are the best person to look at the mirror of our minds, so our motivation is something that we can have access to, that we can check, that we can improve, that we can correct, that we can infuse with altruism, with concern for others, and with less self-centeredness.

TS: Now I know, in the process of writing your book on happiness, that you studied the factors that contribute to happiness from a sociological perspective, looking at many different studies that were done where people reported about their own happiness—whether they had money or didn’t have money, whether they were married or not married. And I’m curious what you learned about happiness from these sociological studies.

MR: Well, the main thing I learned— You see, there are all these studies, but then what I think is most interesting are the so-called meta-studies, those that consider all of those factors pulled together. They conclude that, in the end, all of these outer conditions barely contribute to 15 percent of what we could say are the various components of well-being. In fact, although there might be quite a significant difference whether you are alone, or with friends or family, or so forth, still this is only a small fraction of the contributory factors. There are a few factors from genetics, but I think the main factors are the inner conditions, because it’s quite clear! The other conditions, you have very little control over them. They are changing all the time, and it’s often an illusion to think that we are in control.

Also, the way you translate the outer conditions into inner experience, that’s what really matters, because your inner state of mind can easily override and eclipse the outer condition. That means that you can be miserable when everything seems to be fantastic outside, you know you are in a kind of little paradise, and yet you are completely depressed and you’ll feel so terrible within. And then on the opposite [side], you can be full of joie de vivre, the sense that every moment is valuable and is worth living, even in the face of adversity or circumstances that people priorly would not wish for. That is key!

So why are we putting so much effort to either gathered or deferrable conditions, getting rid of unfavorable outer conditions? Of course we should do the best we can, but why do we so much neglect the cultivating of the inner conditions that nourish this sense of fulfillment and flourishing? And also why do we spend so little time to get rid of the inner conditions that undermine well-being—you know, like animosity and arrogance and envy and craving, and so forth?

TS: I want to talk specifically about the envy and craving that I think a lot of people experience, which creates unhappiness for them. I’ve heard that one of the biggest factors in unhappiness is this sense that I want something that you’ve got, this comparing mind. What can we do about that?

MR: Well, you just have to make an honest assessment of the effect of it! You know, when people say, “Oh, no! All of these passions and jealousy and all that, that makes a colorful life! That makes a strong personality!” That’s OK, fine. OK, let’s spend a weekend together to cultivate your jealousy, so you’ll be 30 percent more jealous at the end!

Immediately you’ll back up and say, “Oh, hey, hey! That’s not what I want to achieve!” You feel that that’s something you certainly do not want to do, even though you say that’s what makes the fullness of existence. We know that those things don’t help us. And when we are under the sway of those things, even if we want to clear our mind from them, and then they still come back. If we had a way to let them fade away or dissolve, then I think we would be much better off. That’s exactly what the various techniques of mind training are providing.

The antidote to these afflictive mental states is to learn not to identify ourselves with this negative mental state. You know, if we have the flu or we have a fever, we say, “I have the flu” or “I suffer from the flu.” You don’t say, “I am the flu.” But when we are filled with anxiety or jealousy or craving, it seems that we are the craving, so we identify with it. There are ways, with mindfulness, not to identify with craving. You can have the gaze of mindfulness, of awareness, looking at anxiety or envy or craving, and what is aware of craving is not craving. It’s just aware. If you create that space of awareness, it has a tendency to grow, and at the same time the craving has a tendency to vanish.

There’s a whole skill that you can achieve by a minimum of mind training. It’s not that complicated. It doesn’t require years and years and years of practice. It simply requires that you take a little more care of that spoiled brat of your mind!

TS: Now what do you mean, “it doesn’t require years and years and years of practice”?

MR: Well, I mean the more you do it, of course the more you become skillful, like someone who learns how to walk on a tightrope, and then after some time you can dance, you can do all kinds of fancy things [on the tightrope]. But at least a minimum of training allows you to have some of the beginning skill. It’s a huge difference! Even though you are not a huge champion on the bicycle, an Olympic champion, it’s a huge difference between knowing how to go on the bicycle and being unable to ride the bicycle. Once you know how to ride the bicycle, you can do a lot of things, and that doesn’t require that much of the training.

TS: When you speak of mind training, you’re speaking specifically about meditation? Is that what you mean?

MR: It’s the same word, actually. “Meditation” is considered to be an Oriental, exotic word, but if you look at the words in the Eastern languages about meditation that we translate into Western languages, at least in the present context, there are words like bhavana in Sanskrit, which means “to cultivate,” precisely. There’s a word in Tibetan, gum, which means “to become familiar” with something. You can become familiar with a new way of experiencing the world. You can become familiar with or cultivate compassion. You can become more familiar with the notion of impermanence, that everything changes every instant, although you are not so familiar because you were sort of grasping at things as being permanent before. All of those are familiarizations: on one side, to be more attuned to reality as it is, not to just constantly distort reality, superimpose on reality; and on the other side, to become more familiar with the skills that at the beginning are quite feeble and difficult and require a lot of effort and attention.

With time, they become natural and stronger and better. You know, when you see a consummate skier or horse rider, he does difficult things with great ease, and without being tired. That’s the sign of a skill. In the beginning, everything is difficult and you’re getting tired, and you’re always sort of nervous about it. That’s precisely the state of the beginner.

TS: It seems that when you talk about something like the destructive emotion of feeling envious of what other people have, and then you see how this makes you feel inside, that you’re applying a kind of analysis to that, like “Just look, investigate, see what actually comes from that,” and then “Drop it.” Like once you can analyze it properly, you can just walk away. Is that what you’re saying?

MR: Well, in the beginning, you need to, because it’s analysis, but it’s a very pragmatic analysis. You know, there’s nothing like a moral judgment in this: “Oh, this is bad, to be craving!” or “It’s bad to be jealous!” [It’s not an] absolute. There’s just the good and bad it does in terms of happiness and suffering. So you see?

People say, “I have to have a powerful, triumphant me!” And I say, “Go for it! If it really feels good, then why not?” But if you cultivate “me, me, me” all the time, then what will you receive? You’ll feel miserable in the end! So then you just have to experience it, just by yourself. If you think that jealousy is so great, then just go for it! Think of it all day long, and see what happens.

Now compare that with cultivating, for a few hours, altruistic love or generosity or some kind of freedom from this chain reaction of thoughts, and see how you feel. You have to experience those, otherwise it’s not a dogma. Nobody is going to force you to change your mind. It has to come from the genuine enthusiasm that comes from appreciating the positive effect of something, or the benefit of something. Or else why should you do it? You don’t have to obey anyone’s order. You’re not trying to do that to please anyone, or to get some kind of reward here, or in some afterlife or whatever.

If you really want to clearly understand the mechanism of happiness and suffering, it’s by trial and error first. Just look honestly at the effect of strong craving, of malevolent anger or hatred, seeing just the effect it has on yourself, on others. With the opposite, see what some of those positive emotions, what they bring to others in terms of happiness, what they bring for you yourself. You’ll have that twofold confirmation that the benefit for others and yourself is in a way a “win-win” situation, and why the pursuit of selfish happiness is a “lose-lose” situation: You’re miserable, and you make others miserable. You just have to see! There’s nothing mysterious about that.

TS: Mm-hmm. Now I know, Matthieu, that you were one of the meditators that has been studied in a laboratory context, and that your brain has been studied, hooked up to wires, MRIs, and EEGs. What did they discover about your brain in the laboratory?

MR: Well, they’ve discovered that I still have a brain, which is temporarily very nice!

You know, I was in Delhi with a group of scientists, and Alicia Davidson was the head of the research group in Madison, Wisconsin, and also here in Nepal until the day before yesterday. It’s a very long-term and wonderful collaboration, I would say. It was inspired by something said by the Dalai Lama, who has always been very keenly interested in science, because he sees science as an honest, rigorous investigation of reality, very empirical and pragmatic. He was interested in all areas of science, but especially neuroscience and psychology, which of course relate particularly closely with what we call contemplative science, which is the training of mind, meditation, understanding the nature of mind, training of those wholesome qualities. So it was very natural that a collaboration would ensue.

It began seriously about seven years ago, following the Mind & Life Institute meeting in 2000, [which took place] in Dharamsala, the city where the Dalai Lama lives in India, on destructive emotions. The Mind & Life Institute, now almost 25 years old, was founded by Francisco Varela, a great scientist, and Adam Engle, an American businessman and lawyer who is still now the chairman of Mind & Life. The idea was to bring together scientists and the Dalai Lama, but then in 2000, it took another turn in terms of serious research. They began by looking at long-term meditators, because obviously if there were some change to be found in the brain, you would expect to find it with them. If you don’t find anything, then there is no point in studying people who have done it for a few weeks!

So they studied a group of people who had done between 20,000 and 50,000 hours of meditation. Those were absolutely not only monks, there were also laypeople. There was an equal number of men and women who did sometimes retreats, sometimes nine years of retreat, so they were experienced meditators.

Now they’ve found very remarkable results. Whether they engaged in focused attention, or compassion and loving-kindness meditation, or mindfulness meditation, they could activate, very powerfully, specific areas of the brain that were related to positive emotions, to attention, to whatever. That showed that there are clearly functional changes in the brain due to training, because if you compare that with age-matched novices who have tried this for a week, there is a huge difference! That was very interesting, but of course of limited use to society, because very few people are going to go off and have meditation for 30,000 hours!

But now the second wave of studies—I mean, the first one is still going on, the fundamental research, and there are a lot of publications in scientific journals, but the second wave of studies has to do with “What are the effects of eight weeks of meditation or mindfulness and loving-kindness, and what are the clinical applications of such training?” There are many studies now that have also shown that even eight weeks of the mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques of Jon Kabat-Zinn or loving-kindness meditation brings enormous change, not only in your faculty of mindfulness or your pro-social behavior, but also physically—in your immune system, in your mood, in all kinds of things! The way you are reacting to inflammation, your general level of anxiety, your vulnerability to depression. All kinds of things have been studied, and I think there you could really conceive that, in a circular way, those techniques can definitely make a very beneficial contribution to society.

TS: In talking about the number of hours, as you’ve said, most people won’t have the opportunity in their life to meditate for 20,000 to 50,000 hours, but do you believe this statistic that’s now being thrown around, that 10,000 hours is some kind of passage point, that past 10,000 hours is when real mastery happens of certain skills, including, potentially, the skill of happiness?

MR: When we look at the experienced meditators in certain parameters, like the amplitude of gamma waves that they generate when engaging in compassion meditation, it precisely showed that the more hours they have of meditation, the more powerful that is. It’s extremely apparent that the more you meditate, the better you get at it, and that’s for your life long.

But if you just consider what is, in other fields—let’s say music—it’s the kind of statistics that when a musician plays the first public concert, they usually have about 10,000 hours behind them. It’s more in those fields that those numbers have come, but they don’t constitute a threshold. It’s just like you could say that person has mastered something, but definitely—I don’t know about music, but with meditation it seems that the more you do it, the more you improve.

This being said, there is a strong change right from the beginning. From not doing any mind training to engaging in eight weeks of mind training, that already makes a huge difference. And that’s what is wonderful, because there you see that could benefit so many people!

TS: And just because I want to understand it a little more precisely: When they measured your brain, what exactly did they find that might be different? What parts of the brain were lit up in a different kind of way?

MR: Well, first of all, it’s not just my brain! It’s not scientific to keep associating people with the subjects. We’re the subjects A, B, C, D. But what they found consistently across long-term meditators was that every type of meditation has a specific brain signature. If you train in focused attention, and someone is extremely good at that, the whole network that is known to be related to attention is activated, but it’s much more activated than in novices who have not trained.

There are many ways you can test your attention, like sustained vigilance, or maintaining an equal quality of attention, the faculty that you are not distracted by the usual types of distracters—that you can have sounds, unusual noises, and so forth—all kinds of things. There are other ways [to test your attention], like will meditation help you be less sensitive to physical pain, or to be less emotionally shaken by physical pain, or to have less anticipation of the pain that makes you feel pain even before the pain is there? All kinds of things like that. For instance, the meditation on compassion is activating areas of the brain—like the insular, the prefrontal cortex, and others—which are known to be related to empathy, to positive emotions.

All of this slowly builds up a picture. There’s still a lot to research, but clearly, so far, everything seems to be building up a very coherent picture showing how those skills can be cultivated, and that they each have a specific signature, so you can continue to study and refine our knowledge of emotions and our knowledge of how those can be cultivated as skills that can benefit people.

TS: Now you mentioned that they can find, through scientific studies, that the more you meditate, that it’s a linear, ever-deepening process. I’m curious now, from your own internal experience of happiness, your own subjective experience, how you would track that through your mind-training life. Were there moments when you said, “Oh my God! Now I’ve discovered something! Oh, I’m even happier now!”? How would you track it internally?

MR: Again, happiness is not one thing. It’s like an emerging thing out of all of those different qualities.

TS: Yes.

MR: And also the real progress is a slow progress. Now all of these mystical experiences are like fireworks, fireworks that are characteristically huge and vanish very soon. It’s more like watching the arms of a big clock. When you gaze at it, it seems to be not moving. When you look at it from time to time, then you see it has moved.

So if you look back and compare, say, to 10 years ago or 20 years ago, you can see how much less vulnerable you might be to anger, to reacting with animosity, how much more genuine sense of concern you have for others, like joy of altruism, of compassion, so you are so happy when you give everything you have! You know, it’s great; it’s not this sacrifice. Why should you mortify, make yourself miserable, to be generous? It’s such a wonderful thing! And then you can see, “Oh! You know, I have gone a few steps further in making that quality bloom.”

So it’s a gradual process, but from time to time you see that it has become more full, deeper, more constant, that it can withstand outer changes and sometimes adverse circumstances. We say that it is very easy to be a good meditator if you are basking in the sun with a full belly, but it’s when the circumstances become difficult that we can really judge the meditator. If in the face of difficult circumstances, you keep your strength, your inner peace, your inner freedom, then you can say, “Well, a little progress has been done.”

TS: Now you’re talking about happiness, and I think you’re making a really important point, that it’s this combination of these different factors, it’s not one thing. Maybe it’s the net result of all these different factors put together. I’m curious: in your own life, has one of the factors of happiness been the most challenging for you?

MR: Hmm, not especially. There’s some that have been the most helpful, and I think that the more I go, the more inspired I am by the example of the Dalai Lama, who over the last 25 years, I’ve been fortunate to serve as his disciple and his interpreter. He’s put more and more and more emphasis on altruistic love and compassion. And for me, I feel deeply—especially now that I have also, for the last 10 years, spent most of my time in pursuing some meditating projects—that altruistic love and compassion are the strongest contributing factor to genuine happiness. I’m really deeply convinced of that, and I’m really inspired—though it’s very little, for the time being—to continue to develop those, and cultivate those. And I have strong confidence that this is still the right path. I really—sincerely and without any forced humility—consider myself a complete beginner, but at least I feel I am a beginner of the right track.

TS: Now somebody might say, “You’re a beginner, and you’ve meditated somewhere between 20,000 and 50,000 hours?”

MR: Yes! So what? We breathe from birth until death, so why should we be content with just a little bit of meditation? I mean, all the great teachers of the past have said that the duration of your practice should be the duration of your life, so certainly there’s a long way to go, but what’s the problem? Once you feel you are going in the right direction, it doesn’t matter if the road is long or short.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Family Ceremonies Creating Connections while Apart

by Madisyn Taylor

Create a ceremony around nature to connect with loved ones that are far away.

Life’s journeys may sometimes take us away from our families and friends, but there are many ways to stay connected. Aside from making use of the technology available—speaking on the phone or seeing each other from across cyberspace—we can create simple ceremonies using nature and our own thoughts to connect our hearts across the miles.

The first step in creating your ceremony is to look to nature for similarities in the different surroundings. The second step is agreeing upon something that is meaningful to all involved. If your mother loves birds, then perhaps each time you hear a bird chirp, you can think of her and mentally send love. You may choose the sight of a butterfly, the feel of a breeze or raindrops, or the scent of flowers to remind you of a special someone. The pink glow of sunset might be your favorite time to send a thought, or perhaps the warming oranges of sunrise. We can all see the sun, the moon, and an array of twinkling stars when we look to the skies. The monthly full moon may be your time to connect with your loved ones, or the first star you see each night, knowing that they, too, are gazing into the night sky and sending love. You could choose a day that you would usually celebrate together, such as a holiday or a solstice. If you once shared Sunday brunches in the garden, you can! each seek out a garden on Sundays. Or you can choose a specific time and account for the time difference in order to connect by heart and mind at exactly the same moment.

With practice, we may learn to recognize the feeling that comes when a loved one sends energy our way, and the feeling of soul-to-soul communication. In this case, distance may indeed make our connections stronger. There is certainly much to make us think of our close friends and loved ones often, but when we decide upon a reminder together, we create a simple ceremony of connection that defies any distance.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

When people walk away from you

let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.